we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
