Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
