I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
My day in three words: secret purse cake
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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