I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
