I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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