I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
It all started with a game of naked twister.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
