I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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