Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
