i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
