she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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