TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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