I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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