seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
The chlamydia really affected his face.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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