I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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