All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
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Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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