Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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