If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
