dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
