mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Just took my morning after pill in the library
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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