Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
