I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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