when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
