I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
