dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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