the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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