Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
