One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
