I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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