come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
