I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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