Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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