Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Randomize
