it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
i believe in u and ur pee
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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