I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
