Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
