Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
