mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Randomize
