i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Dick very happy bro
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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