A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
