apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
