Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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