Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
