Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
