He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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