I could have mohawked her pubes.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
