So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
