Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
