While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
