You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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