Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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