Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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