Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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