i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
