in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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