i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize