I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
