Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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