I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I understand Curling. That high.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
