Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
