video games are the ultimate cock blocker
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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