she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
