my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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