i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
