I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
