he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
